Parenting is the most important responsibility available to us in this life. To raise our little ones and teach them all they need to know. To discipline appropriately, provide support and love. To feed, clothe, bathe, teach. There are so many different aspects to it, they simply cannot all be listed. Suffice it to be said that this parenting thing consumes my days, my nights, my thoughts, my heart.
For the last 5 years and 8 months the well being of my child(ren) has been the number one concern in my life. From the moment I checked into the hospital to have Abby, it is something I always worry about. What can I do for them? What if I'm doing it wrong? Am I too harsh? Too lax? How do I teach them? Really it's just one great big huge question mark riddled with a lot of underlying doubt about my abilities. Ultimately, this is a good thing. Parenting really does require, above all else, humility. Humility to know that I don't know the answers and that I must rely on Heavenly Father in order to parent these little ones. With His help, and the examples of good mothers around me, I feel like I'm doing fine. I know that I need to give my children love first and foremost. But it doesn't take much to change my perceptions again. With one single comment I can end up doubting my abilities entirely.
"You train your kids to be clingy." "I'd send her straight to timeout." "Your kids are really picky eaters and you cater to it." Comments like these trap me emotionally- just like a deer in headlights. I can't help but wonder "What am I missing? Really what MORE do you expect?!?" I have put a lot of energy into doing what's best for my kids, and somehow it's all wrong? In short order I feel quite defensive and ready to fight it out about my parenting style. I haven't yet, but I kind of wanted to all the same. Of course, the logical part of me knows that my defensiveness is a red flag in and of itself. What am I so defensive about exactly? Maybe there is something to those comments? Then again, maybe it's just because of people they come from. When someone close and with lots of history has a criticism for me, I take it personally. My perception becomes completely skewed. My imagination runs wild with the thought of previously loving eyes turned into critical ones. I am absolutely convinced (for a while) that my every move is being observed an criticized. Nothing is less helpful when dealing with drama from children than worrying what other people think.
What other people think. How it skews our perceptions. I know in my heart and mind that I shouldn't let what other people think change my perception so much. Especially my self perception. And yet it does. Fortunately, there are the other things too. An Aunt who sent me an email telling me I'm a good mom. Friends who are willing to confess to their personal parenting trials and let me know that I'll get through this too. I really appreciate those, more than I can ever share in words. I hope I can pay it forward and help those around me keep their perspective. Because really we are all doing just fine.
7 comments:
Thank you for all your advice and lending me a shoulder/ear whenever I need it, I love you dear Anna
Oh Anna, I know how you feel. Parenting is so complex and what works one day so often doesn't work the next. Thanks for sharing your thoughts...especially on humility. You are a great mom!
Anna, you are taking their comments way too close to your heart. EVERY kid is a challenge and I think your kids are some of the most well-behaved. So what if your babies are clingy, they don't stay small forever. I feel the same way as you do, but I get WAY worse comments. You know what I do? I step back, take a look at my kids, and think of all the great things they do. How they listen (most of the time), how they love me no matter how many time I yell at them, and what good kids they are because of me. If other people think they're bad, that is THEIR problem. I do my best!! Don't worry about other people. you know your kids the best and how not to have fights constantly. I'd like to see those other people show the love and discipline that you do to your kids. They wouldn't last a week!! they would eventually give in to some things too. I love you Anna and think that you are a mom that I am most similar to in my parenting style. It takes a lot to love your kids so much ;)
Thank you all so much for your kind words. Just knowing that I'm not the only one makes it so much easier.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I think we all tend to take comments like that a little personally. It is difficult to know how to deal with the different personalities of our children and know which battles we should pick and so forth.
At the same time (and don't take this personally), I have decided that there is probably some nugget of truth in the criticism/comments I receive from more experienced parents (I totally ignore such advice from someone who has no children or only has a toddler or something), and I do try to learn from the things they say. If i humble myself enough, I can usually see what they meant and it ends up making a huge difference in my parenting, and ultimately, my children.
PS You also have to decide what's important to you. Clingy babies don't bother me so much, because they usually outgrow that, but picky eating isn't something I allow. We all do have different thresholds for certain things and we should deal with them accordingly.
Lara ITA :D
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